Airport

Hey buddy. Yes, you. I'm talking to you. The one over there standing around looking like you are the only jackass waiting who should be allowed to bring your luggage on the plane. You know how I know that? How I can see your sense of entitlement? Because your bag is about three times the size of a carry on bag. It's more like a regular suitcase. It's making me wonder what your regular suitcase must look like if you think that bag that you have there is a carry on. Did you put it in that little square metal space? You know, the one that has the sign that says all carry on luggage must fit in here? Because I know there is no way in hell that bag you have fit in that space.

Oh, now look. Are you having problems getting that big ass bag into the overhead bin? Well, sure, I don't mind taking my bag down and sticking it under my seat just to accommodate your being a retard. I think it's absolutely fair that I paid just as much for my ticket as you did, but I have to rearrange my stuff because you think you're the King of World or at least of American Airlines. These next 2.5 hours will be nice and comfortable while I sit with my knees under my chin because I have no foot room since I had to cram my own regulatory size bag so you could have every single thing you own on the plane with you.

No, your smile and apology do not make it better. Neither does the obliviousness of the flight attendants who are pretending not to notice that you have taken advantage of the flight requirements and they are now having to check luggage that will not fit in the overhead bins, because you, and other assholes like you have brought a bunch of shit on the plane that shouldn't be allowed in the first place. But they have to smile and be courteous. And so it goes.

I hate you. No, really, I know it's a strong word. But it's true. I hate you and all of the people like you--the ones who think the rules don't apply to them. You suck.

Mondays

Mondays make me mad. So do Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. Friday is slightly better.

Lady Gaga

Why in the hell does she always look so ridiculous?

Just looking at her at awards shows pisses me off, because she looks like a total idiot with stupid feather things around her face. Why would someone intentionally make themselves look ugly?

Does it mean I'm old because I always think she looks ridiculous?

Sleeveless dresses

I have been shopping all summer. And it has been for the same thing, a dress that is not sleeveless. Do you know how hard it is to find a dress that has sleeves these days?

Now, I appreciate that it is 100 degrees most days where I live. But I work. In a professional environment. And dresses without sleeves are not allowed. I prefer a dress, because, well, it's just easier. You only have to pull one piece out of your closet. You don't have to match anything, except for your shoes. It makes the morning go so much faster. One less decision I have to make before a day that will have a thousand other decisions.

I know, I know, I can put a cardigan over my sleeveless dress. But did I mention that it's 100 degrees most days where I live? The thought of putting on a sweater makes me cringe. I might as well put on tights and boots, too.

J. Crew, Ann Taylor, The Limited--sure you have one or two dresses with sleeves, but most of your items are sleeveless! I think somebody needs to help you learn some more about your demographic. Surely I am not the only woman this kind of nonsense makes mad. Surely.

Criss Angel

Criss Angel is a douche bag.

Shark Week

My husband pointed this out to me last week, so I paid especially close attention to the variety of shark information offered on Discovery Channel's shark week line up. There were still a few informative shows, educating the masses about sharks--how the feed, how they breed, etc. But mostly, the programs were littered with stories of shark attacks. Now, I am not sure how shark week turned into such a gruesome program, but I am not a fan. I am fascinated with sharks, and I have even been diving with them. When I think of Discovery's purpose as a network, I think of it as a place to be educated about, well, all kinds of things. I do not think of it as a place where people go to be instilled with fear regarding any species. Their purpose is to educate, not traumatize. After watching some of those shows, I would have to contemplate wading on the beach shore line, never mind heading out for a SCUBA excursion.

I think of the young folks who might have grown up to have important careers in ocean studies, maybe even dreamed of being a pro surfer but are now horrified to think that every time they stick a foot in the ocean, it is liable to be removed by a shark's bite. Damned Discovery Channel. They've made me mad.

IRAs

Why is it when you read financial information, they always tell you if you put X amount in an IRA starting at age 25 and let it grow until you retire, you'll have X amount, provided it is at least a 10% return? Can someone sign me up for this please? Because I've had an IRA for quite some time, even before this ugly economic downturn, and never once has it been at a 10% return. I'm lucky to get 5%, and that's when I put it into a CD IRA. So, where in the hell are these people finding these IRAs? I want to know! Otherwise, I'd like to read some financial information that quotes a more accurate rate. Stop getting my hopes up.