money budgeting

If you are unwilling to keep a check register, and you insist on going to the casino four times a week and making withdrawals at the ATM, don't come and blame me when you have $500 in overdraft fees. Because I'm not even listening to it. Asshole.

Buttons

Large chested ladies, I ask you...why do fashion designers make button up shirts where there is a button right above the widest part of your breasts, and a button right below the largest part of your breasts, but no button right at the largest part. So, now, every button down shirt has a gap that looks like you're trying to invite someone to look at your goods. How is it nobody has figured out how to place buttons so all ladies can wear button down shirts and have them look flattering? THAT for sure makes me mad!

Plus size?

First, don't anyone get me wrong and think I am saying there is anything wrong with plus sized ladies. Because I'm not. If you are happy with how you look, whether you wear 100 pounds or 300 pounds, good for you.

But I am very weight conscious, weighing 150 pounds at 5'8" in height. I wear a size ten. On a very lucky day, in something with a more generous cut, I might wear an eight. Those are good days. I am not a thin person, but I am also not a fat person. I fall into that valley where loads of normal women who like to eat more than salads fall. No problem.

I don't think of myself as "large." I don't think a ten is "large." 0-2, is XS, 4-6 is S, 8-10 is M, and 12-14 is L. I know I am not a large, because if a garment is sized in letters, and I pick out the L, it is too big. Not just some of the time, like the size eight, size ten scenario, but 98% of the time. So, in my head, I'm a medium.

Apparently, this is not the case on e-bay. Everyone seems to put in the tens as larges. And at the thrift store? I often find tens in the plus size section. A ten is definitely not a plus size. I am sure to all of the twos and fours in the world, it is. But in the world of women with boobs, it is not.

I really want to send every single e-bay seller a message and let them know that a ten is not a large, but unfortunately, I don't have the time for that. I'm too busy eating cupcakes.

Weather Man

How in the hell can you turn snow and ice into an all day running program? I know there is a weather channel and all, and it is dedicated to weather 24 hours a day, but that is about weather all over the United States. Here in Oklahoma, we are watching a 24 hour fucking newscast about ice and snow. They keep showing the same Oklahoma map with the same color indicators over and over and over. Then they show some idiot standing on the side of the road while cars go by. Who in the hell signed up for that job? Really, do you want to stand by the side of the icy road and watch a bunch of cars sliding all over the road that could easily pop up on that curb and plow you down? What is your official title over at the news office? Dumbass? And then they flash to a bunch of pictures people have taken of their swing sets covered in ice and sent them in to the news. Don't you have something better to do, or are you that much of a loser that on a free day from work, all you can think of to do is snap pictures of an ice covered tree and send it to your buddies at KFOR?

All the while I'm missing quality TV programming like Oprah and Dr. Phil. Seriously, the weather programming we are forced to watch on local TV is worse than the actual storm.

Birthdays

You know what? If you want someone to make a big deal out of your birthday, don't pretend to be one of those people who doesn't care. Because when someone (say me) says, "hey, isn't your birthday next week?" And you sigh and say, "Yeah." And I say, "What are you going to do?" And you say, "Ah, nothing. It's not really that big of a deal." Then I'm going to assume you aren't a big celebrator. Maybe I'll buy you a cupcake or a piece of cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory, but that's going to be it. I'm assuming you're one of those folks who just doesn't like a big "to do."

So, when your birthday rolls around, don't act like a big ol' asshole because nobody has done anything, sitting around pouting and sulking because there aren't streamers around your desk, and all of your friends aren't taking you out to dinner while donning party hats. They're probably all assuming the same thing. That you are depressed to be turning a year older and don't want to celebrate because of your ho-hum attitude any time your birthday is mentioned. Your ploy of acting like you want nothing and expecting a big hoopla is stupid. If I could think of a more eloquent word I would use it. But I cannot.

But you know what? Your dumb ass will probably do the same thing again next year. Let me know how it works out for you.

*side note* Apparently, this pisses me off every year, because I just glanced back at my 2008 posts, and I already wrote one of these there. Take note people!

Target

I am sad to say Target has created a "basement bin" section. You know the section that always changes that is usually over by automotive and sporting goods? (This is true regardless of where your Target is. They almost always have this area located there). In spring it has all of the pool accessories and outdoor patio furniture. In fall it has school supplies. In Halloween, there are tombstones and costumes, and of course for Christmas, (which goes up immediately after Halloween, maybe before), there are the Christmas trees.

Well, now, they have a bargain section located there. It is a bunch of boxes with cheap looking crap that you have to dig through. It makes me feel like I'm at Dollar General. I shop at Target, because I like getting the bargain basement prices without feeling like I'm white trashing it up with the people of Wal-Mart. So, when I go to Target, I want to feel like I'm at Target, in a place where people wear shoes and have all of their teeth. I do not want to see huge boxes filled with cheap crap in primary colors where someone is bent over digging to the bottom with their butt crack peeking out of the back of their elastic waisted pants. It just gives me an ugly feeling on the inside. It's like all of the beauty has been sucked out of the shopping world.

Hopefully, this arrangement is just temporary--just an "hey, you blew all of your money on Christmas, so we need to make you feel like you're shopping at Family Dollar so you'll buy something"--and in Spring the plastic pools and patio furniture will return, just as they always do.

Pat Robertson

Sometimes, I am embarrassed to be a Christian. I know some Christians out in the world would be horrified that I would say that, but how can I, as a Christian listen to what Pat Robertson has to say and not be outraged? How can anyone? I know they are out there. People who think what he says is right. But how can my God and his God be one and the same? It is hard for me to imagine. I found something on the internet that sums up the ridiculousness of what he has to say. Kudos to Lily Coyle, who wrote this funny letter. It was the letter of the day on startribune.com. Please, please, please, don't lump all Christians in with Pat Robertson. I am sure I speak for quite a few of us who would say, he makes us mad! And he's an idiot!

"Dear Pat Robertson, I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll. You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract. Best, Satan

LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS