Toilets

I know people who start new businesses that have bathrooms in them--you know, like restaurants, boutiques, etc. think it's really cute to put funny things on the doors. You've seen it. When you go to Mexican restaurants, for example. Instead of "Men" and "Women" they'll put "Caballeros" and "Mujeres." Now, lucky for me, I speak a little Spanish, so I can figure that one out.

But sometimes, I have no fucking idea what is on the door to the bathroom. And so, when I have to pee, and I'm in a hurry to get back to my hot plate of just served food, it really annoys the shit out of me to have to try to figure out which bathroom is for women and which one is for men. The worst is when people think it's cute to put those little symbols on the doors--you know, the one that differentiates men from women based on whether or not their is a plus sign underneath the circle? I sure as hell can never remember which one is which.

And just because I'm eating in a German, French, Italian restaurant, doesn't mean I know your fucking language. So, your cute shit on the doors? Yeah, it's not so cute. I don't like feeling like an idiot when I have to ask someone who works there which restroom I'm supposed to use.

One of these days someone is going to take a piss right in the hall way out of frustration. Call me stupid, I don't care. Going to the restroom should be simple. Stop with the cutesy pie shit. Please.

Exercise equipment

I have only myself to blame. I am so anxious to cover up the time on the cardio machine with my magazine or my towel, I forget to make sure the time is actually going. Nothing sucks more than busting your ass for what seems like 30 minutes only to look at the time and find out your stupid ass machine didn't register when you hit the start button and it actually hasn't even been calculating how long you've been on. The double zero staring back at me always makes me really pissed off. Because then I have to actually push the damned button and start again.

Okay, maybe there are some things that suck more. But it's still pretty shitty.

Cell phones

Contrary to popular belief, there is not a cone of silence that surrounds you every time you use your cell phone. It's like some people think that as soon as they hit that "talk" button, they are in their own special world where their conversations cannot be overheard. And so it goes like this...

Dear WT lady,
I know I'm in the thrift store, and I know it's not the best part of town. So, I came prepared to deal with a little bit of ghetto. However, I do not care what type of shit is going to hit the fan when whoever in the hell you are talking about shows up to pick you up. I don't care that you don't feel well. Apparently, neither does the person on the other end of the call, because you've now repeated yourself five times. They aren't listening. Get a clue. I am mildly curious as to why, if you feel like total shit and just don't know if you can make it to said outing, you feel good enough to go to the thrift store and dig through germ infested clothes. Tip for the future to you, if you are going to say you are too sick to go somewhere, you may not want to tell them you are hanging in the thrift store at 10 AM. It doesn't make sense. It's a good thing most of the people in here appear to be speaking Spanish, because hopefully they don't understand what you are saying, and I am one of the few people who is having to listen to your stupid public tirade. I am quite certain, though, that regardless of the spoken language, if you are in the United States, you understand the word "fuck" especially when it is being shouted repeatedly inside Bargain Thrift. You are ruining my shopping experience. If I wanted to hear your personal business, I would make an effort to get to know you personally. Right now, all I want to do is pay for my shit and get out of the damned store, because I cannot stand to hear you say you don't want to deal with the aforementioned shit hitting the fan because you (again) do not feel well. Apparently, someone didn't learn to use their inside voice.

Love,
the lady carrying the Gucci bag and Prada shoes who is shopping at the thrift store

More about drivers

I swear, I do not understand. Why in the hell do people who are in the wrong give the finger when you honk your horn? For example, someone is changing lanes and almost hits your car. You toot your horn to say, "Hey, I'm over here already. Please don't hit me." Then, they give you the finger and yell some obscenity as if it's your fault you were already in the lane.

Excuse the hell out of me for getting up this morning and occupying the lane you want to move into. I wasn't aware you owned the whole fucking road. Had someone told me, I would have made sure to keep an eye out for your vehicle. As it stands now, I am seriously contemplating playing a version of roller derby with my car as you speed past me with your middle digit stuck up in the air.

Apparently, I am one of the few people left in the world who actually feel bad when I almost hit someone, because I'm not paying attention. I appreciate their horn honk telling me not to get over, because without it, I might have rammed them, causing expensive damage to both their car and mine. That little "toot toot" allows me to get to work on time instead of wasting thirty minutes waiting for police, tow trucks, and exchanging insurance information.

Maybe mouthing the F word and waving an obscene gesture in the air is their way of saying thank you.

Taco Bueno

You know what really chaps my hide? It's a Monday, and I'm leaving my eight hour day to sit in a three hour lecture class, and I'm starving. I have to get something to eat on my way to class, or I won't get dinner until 8 PM, and that makes me cranky. Very cranky.

So, I order a mini quesadilla from Taco Bueno. (I try to be sensible when I eat fast food so I don't have to listen to my Mom tell me my ass is fat). And guess what? Guess what I get? I get a tortilla wrapped around shredded cheese. Is it melted? It surely is not. It's just a bunch of shredded cheese wrapped in a flour tortilla. WTF is this? I didn't order a tortilla filled with cold shredded cheese, you assholes. It doesn't take quantum physics to make one of these suckers. I know, because I can make one at home, and I can't cook shit.

The really ugly part of this story? I'd driven away before I realized I had this nasty so called quesadilla. And I didn't have time to turn around to "cause a stink" as my husband calls it. Perfect end to a Monday work day!

Excuse Me

What the hell ever happened to people saying excuse me? I've just spent six hours at the great state fair of Oklahoma, and while I was run over by strollers, stepped on, and bumped into by men who I assure you did not need one more turkey leg...I did not hear one single "excuse me."

I know the fair is full of white trash, but I thought even white trash had SOME manners. Even when I would say "excuse me" I would not get one in return. What is wrong with people? Common courtesy has flown out the window.

Makes me feel better for playing "naturally skinny or addicted to methamphetamine" while walking around and eating my corn dog.

Who wore it best?

So, let's talk about this delightful segment in US Weekly. In case you're not familiar, the segment takes 2-3 celebrities who have been photographed wearing the same dress, shirt, skirt, whatever. Then, some VIP *read intern* asks 100 people on the street which celebrity wore it best. People vote, and there you have it, one emerges a winner.

But here's the problem. Sometimes, those folks at Us Weekly, they don't play fair. Take for example this week's competition. A gorgeous royal blue dress featured on both Mary Hart and Giuliana Rancic. Now, Mary Hart is a good looking lady. And she's and especially good looking lady for someone who's 60. But Giuliana Rancic is 35. She has a body that looks 25 years younger than Mary Hart's. Why don't you just put Betty White in the same dress you put on Kim Kardashian and then see who wore it best?

Really? Do you even need to ask that question? Who's going to vote for the old lady in the dress unless she's up against another old lady in the same dress? Just a totally unfair competition. Must have been a barren week for duplicate dress wearing celebrities for them to come up with that one.