Saturday, June 7, 2008

Summer Bunny

When it's winter here in the midwest, and I am bundled up like an Alaskan with a coat over a sweater over a long sleeved shirt, I think about summer. I would go so far as to say I long for it. And as it comes round to April, and the days' temperatures start to climb into the mid 70s, I start thinking about pools and margaritas and sun dresses, and I cannot wait for the summer to officially start. I go to sleep dreaming about fishing season, and I wake up thinking about where I'll be camping all summer.

Only here, we have two seasons, winter and summer, with about a week of spring or fall in between. So, those 70s make a quick jump to 90 and then before you know it, it's 100 plus degrees outside. Which means that camping and fishing time fun can really only be had for a couple of weeks, because quicker than you can blink, it'll be hot as Hades. And quickly, I remember why I hate summer. It's like slapping myself in the forehead and thinking, "Oh yeah dumb ass, you hate summer because it's hot." And heat...heat makes me mad.

It's not cranky or a little irritable, it's MAD. I say the F word three times as much in the summer as I do in the winter. It will get so bad that in July, I won't even want to go outside. Not for anything, even shopping. My best friend is always inviting me to go to BBQs and pool parties and camping, and I tell her she's fucking crazy to voluntarily be outside when it's so hot, you can't even pull your pants down to pee, because your pants are stuck to the inside of your sweaty thighs.

There is nothing that makes that heat better--not a pool, not good food, not even the best frozen margarita in the world. Give me some good air conditioning and cable TV and that is how I'll plan on spending July and August (and September and October--it doesn't get cool here until after Halloween).

I always seem to forget mid winter that you can put more clothes on to ward off the cold, but even if everyone walked around naked, it would still be hot as a mother fucker in Oklahoma and the great state of Texas.

So, what does all of this mean? It means I am not a summer bunny. And if you run into me on the street in the middle of July. Stay the hell away. I'm mad.

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