Monday, December 27, 2010

Exercise equipment

I have only myself to blame. I am so anxious to cover up the time on the cardio machine with my magazine or my towel, I forget to make sure the time is actually going. Nothing sucks more than busting your ass for what seems like 30 minutes only to look at the time and find out your stupid ass machine didn't register when you hit the start button and it actually hasn't even been calculating how long you've been on. The double zero staring back at me always makes me really pissed off. Because then I have to actually push the damned button and start again.

Okay, maybe there are some things that suck more. But it's still pretty shitty.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Cell phones

Contrary to popular belief, there is not a cone of silence that surrounds you every time you use your cell phone. It's like some people think that as soon as they hit that "talk" button, they are in their own special world where their conversations cannot be overheard. And so it goes like this...

Dear WT lady,
I know I'm in the thrift store, and I know it's not the best part of town. So, I came prepared to deal with a little bit of ghetto. However, I do not care what type of shit is going to hit the fan when whoever in the hell you are talking about shows up to pick you up. I don't care that you don't feel well. Apparently, neither does the person on the other end of the call, because you've now repeated yourself five times. They aren't listening. Get a clue. I am mildly curious as to why, if you feel like total shit and just don't know if you can make it to said outing, you feel good enough to go to the thrift store and dig through germ infested clothes. Tip for the future to you, if you are going to say you are too sick to go somewhere, you may not want to tell them you are hanging in the thrift store at 10 AM. It doesn't make sense. It's a good thing most of the people in here appear to be speaking Spanish, because hopefully they don't understand what you are saying, and I am one of the few people who is having to listen to your stupid public tirade. I am quite certain, though, that regardless of the spoken language, if you are in the United States, you understand the word "fuck" especially when it is being shouted repeatedly inside Bargain Thrift. You are ruining my shopping experience. If I wanted to hear your personal business, I would make an effort to get to know you personally. Right now, all I want to do is pay for my shit and get out of the damned store, because I cannot stand to hear you say you don't want to deal with the aforementioned shit hitting the fan because you (again) do not feel well. Apparently, someone didn't learn to use their inside voice.

the lady carrying the Gucci bag and Prada shoes who is shopping at the thrift store

Monday, November 22, 2010

More about drivers

I swear, I do not understand. Why in the hell do people who are in the wrong give the finger when you honk your horn? For example, someone is changing lanes and almost hits your car. You toot your horn to say, "Hey, I'm over here already. Please don't hit me." Then, they give you the finger and yell some obscenity as if it's your fault you were already in the lane.

Excuse the hell out of me for getting up this morning and occupying the lane you want to move into. I wasn't aware you owned the whole fucking road. Had someone told me, I would have made sure to keep an eye out for your vehicle. As it stands now, I am seriously contemplating playing a version of roller derby with my car as you speed past me with your middle digit stuck up in the air.

Apparently, I am one of the few people left in the world who actually feel bad when I almost hit someone, because I'm not paying attention. I appreciate their horn honk telling me not to get over, because without it, I might have rammed them, causing expensive damage to both their car and mine. That little "toot toot" allows me to get to work on time instead of wasting thirty minutes waiting for police, tow trucks, and exchanging insurance information.

Maybe mouthing the F word and waving an obscene gesture in the air is their way of saying thank you.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Taco Bueno

You know what really chaps my hide? It's a Monday, and I'm leaving my eight hour day to sit in a three hour lecture class, and I'm starving. I have to get something to eat on my way to class, or I won't get dinner until 8 PM, and that makes me cranky. Very cranky.

So, I order a mini quesadilla from Taco Bueno. (I try to be sensible when I eat fast food so I don't have to listen to my Mom tell me my ass is fat). And guess what? Guess what I get? I get a tortilla wrapped around shredded cheese. Is it melted? It surely is not. It's just a bunch of shredded cheese wrapped in a flour tortilla. WTF is this? I didn't order a tortilla filled with cold shredded cheese, you assholes. It doesn't take quantum physics to make one of these suckers. I know, because I can make one at home, and I can't cook shit.

The really ugly part of this story? I'd driven away before I realized I had this nasty so called quesadilla. And I didn't have time to turn around to "cause a stink" as my husband calls it. Perfect end to a Monday work day!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Excuse Me

What the hell ever happened to people saying excuse me? I've just spent six hours at the great state fair of Oklahoma, and while I was run over by strollers, stepped on, and bumped into by men who I assure you did not need one more turkey leg...I did not hear one single "excuse me."

I know the fair is full of white trash, but I thought even white trash had SOME manners. Even when I would say "excuse me" I would not get one in return. What is wrong with people? Common courtesy has flown out the window.

Makes me feel better for playing "naturally skinny or addicted to methamphetamine" while walking around and eating my corn dog.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Who wore it best?

So, let's talk about this delightful segment in US Weekly. In case you're not familiar, the segment takes 2-3 celebrities who have been photographed wearing the same dress, shirt, skirt, whatever. Then, some VIP *read intern* asks 100 people on the street which celebrity wore it best. People vote, and there you have it, one emerges a winner.

But here's the problem. Sometimes, those folks at Us Weekly, they don't play fair. Take for example this week's competition. A gorgeous royal blue dress featured on both Mary Hart and Giuliana Rancic. Now, Mary Hart is a good looking lady. And she's and especially good looking lady for someone who's 60. But Giuliana Rancic is 35. She has a body that looks 25 years younger than Mary Hart's. Why don't you just put Betty White in the same dress you put on Kim Kardashian and then see who wore it best?

Really? Do you even need to ask that question? Who's going to vote for the old lady in the dress unless she's up against another old lady in the same dress? Just a totally unfair competition. Must have been a barren week for duplicate dress wearing celebrities for them to come up with that one.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Toilet Paper

Hey cleaning guys. I work in an office with twelve women. Leaving two rolls of toilet paper once a week in the bathroom isn't going to cut it. Those wind up gone in the first 48 hours, and then I'm wiping with a rough ass paper towel.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

School Zone

Hey asshole, school started back last week. So, you know those little squiggly lines on the road and that sign that says 25 with the flashing yellow lights? That's a school zone. Sometimes, you go 20 in the school zone and sometimes, you go 25. But I don't know of a single school zone where you go 40.

So, I don't appreciate you riding my ass while I roll by at 25 and then pulling into the lane next to me and putting the pedal to the metal after you give me your middle finger and look at me like I'm the dumb ass who doesn't know what in the hell is going on.

You pissed me off first thing in the morning, partially by being an idiot, but more because you were trying to act like I should have been riding the "short bus" instead of driving, and you were clearly the one in the wrong. So, even though I know you did not get a ticket in the school zone, because I saw you speed off thinking you were all that, I hope you got a ticket later on in the day. If for no other reason than you ruined my morning.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Jet Blue

So, let’s talk about this Steven Slater. If you don’t recognize his name, he’s the Jet Blue guy who went nuts, deployed the emergency exit slide, grabbed two beers, and got the hell off the plane AFTER he said the F word to a customer and basically quit via PA system on the plane.

Some are touting him as a hero, and some are saying those people who are touting him as a hero are being ridiculous. I can bet you the people who don’t think he’s a hero have never, not one single time, worked in a customer service industry. Because you know what? If you’ve ever dealt with customers on a regular basis, you’ve wanted to tell someone to F off about five hundred times. Hell, it’s likely you’ve wanted to punch someone in the face. Steven Slater probably took the high road by not punching the guy in the face.

But I think the point is missed. I heard some guy on the news talking. He was telling about how, now, people are out in the world deciding how they are going to quit their job. They are planning their own exit. He referred to a girl who said that the next rude customer she encountered was going to get a roach on top of their hamburger (where in the hell can you just come up with a roach?) and then she was going to walk out. This guy says that what Slater did was encourage people to act like fools and disrespect customers.

But what about the customers who disrespect workers? I’ve worked in customer service all my life, and I have been treated horribly by people who are total idiots. They are rude just to be rude. They think because I work in the customer service industry, I’m a loser—I couldn’t get a better job, so I started working in retail. And therefore, they should treat me like I’m a total imbecile. I’ve even had people throw shit at me. Yes, it has happened.

And guess what? Most of the stuff people want to yell and cuss at me about? It’s their own fault—they’ve overdrawn their bank account going to the casino or their now deceased parents didn’t plan their estate properly and their kids can’t get money out of their account. Or it’s something I can’t control anyway, so regardless of how much they complain, I can’t do anything about it.

In this case, someone didn’t follow the rules. And they got called out. Sounds like they deserved it to me. It makes me mad that everyone questions the results, but nobody questions the actions. I think people should recognize the ridiculous attitudes people have toward people who work in customer service.

Kudos to Steven Slater for not taking it anymore! Just because you serve the public doesn’t mean you should lay down and take it up the ass every single day.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Sometimes, when I watch a movie that doesn't have a definitive ending, I wonder if the writer/director/producer just couldn't decide on an ending or if they really wanted to annoy the audience. It annoys the hell out of me. I like an ending. One that is all wrapped up with a bow on top. Anything else just makes me mad.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


It makes me really mad when I get a peanut M&M that has no peanut in it. Ruins my whole day.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Gift cards

I appreciate a gift card. Who doesn't? But can you take the extra five seconds to write the effing amount on the line on the inside? It will save me the five freaking minutes trying to pull up the website, find the right area to check the balance, type in the forty digit number, and scratch off the security code. I don't understand why nobody ever writes the amounts on the gift cards. I'm not trying to be an a-hole, but I'd rather not have the $25 gift card than have to look all of the shit up.

*This is not intended for those nice friends of mine who like to give me gift cards and always write the dollar amounts on the little enclosed cards. Please, keep THOSE coming.

Saturday, June 5, 2010


So, I'm out shopping at the Goodwill. It's my normal weekend ritual. I have my discount card and everything. I've found a few items, and it's time to try them on. At this particular Goodwill, there is a row of dressing rooms with closet type doors that lock. You can't see feet or anything below them. They are always shut all the time.

I go down the row and discreetly turn the knobs to see if the doors are locked. If they're locked, someone's in there, and I go to the next one. Simple, right?

Nope. Some asshole was standing mostly naked in his dressing room and didn't lock the door. So, when I turned the door knob, it opened. It was only about three inches, and all I saw were this man's legs and his tightey whiteys. But he starts screaming in the store about who opens the door without knocking and what not. I told him the door had a lock, and if he was too stupid to use it, then that wasn't my problem. His wife or girl friend or whoever then starts yelling at him and asking him why he didn't have the door shut.

Apparently, he must have really thought I wanted to see his business, because he kept bitching the entire time he was in the dressing room. I had to let him know...look buddy, I have a husband, so I can look at his business all I want to, and he's thinner and younger than you are. It took all I had not to punch his 50 year old ass in the face. Or the junk.

I don't think he was exhibiting the attitude that Goodwill is all about. Stupid people should not be allowed out in the world. Not even for shopping at the thrift store.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Garage Sales

You know what is really annoying? I LOVE garage sales. True, that might be the annoying thing, like to my husband, but that's not to what I'm referring, at least now. Anyway, I LOVE garage sales. When I can, on Saturdays, I map out a route. I pick garage sales that are Saturday only so they aren't already picked over from Friday, and I stagger them based on start time so I get to hit a few right when they start. What else do I look for? Well, I look to see if they're selling craft supplies or designer clothes or things I might be interested in buying. But those are few and far between, so next I look at garage sales that are multi family or are advertised as huge.

So, when I get there, you know what I expect to see? I expect to see a HUGE garage sale. If you say your garage sales is five family, I expect all five families contributed a good amount of items to your sale. Unfortunately, a good lot of the time, it looks like the families contributed about ten items a piece, which really pisses me off. What, do you think if you get me there, I'm going to buy something? It's not the mall. When you only have two tables with some bric-a-brac on them, that's not going to cut it. You've just wasted my time. I could have been at the Jewish temple stocking up on the good stuff! Instead I've wasted 30 minutes, my gas, and for what? A BIG FAT LIE! A FALSE ADVERTISEMENT! A-HOLE GARAGE SALE LIARS!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

The movie theater line

How is it the movie theater gives so many good topics for posting on my blog?

My husband and I went to see Kick Ass yesterday. It was the first Saturday it was out, and we went to the last movie time in the afternoon before the prices went up. So, of course, I'm anticipating that it's going to be busy. I'm not a crazy person. I know when you go to the a widely publicized movie on the first Saturday it's out, in the middle of the afternoon, it's going to be a mob. I sent my husband for seats and I went for the popcorn, soda, and a hot dog.

The line was long. There were two cashiers (annoying enough), and the line was about six people deep per cashier. I stood in line for close to twenty minutes. I have to assume the people in front of me stood in line for just as long. So, the lady before the lady in front of me gets to the front and stands there for several minutes looking at the billboard trying to decide what to choose. Seriously, what in the hell were you doing for the twenty minutes or ten minutes or even FIVE minutes you standing in line. You're by yourself, so you weren't talking to a buddy. You weren't on your cell phone. Pretty much all you had to do was look at the menu up at the top and choose what size popcorn and soda you wanted. Even with the newer fancy stuff like hot dogs and nachos, it's not like it's a complicated menu.

I wanted to push this lady to the side and tell her to get back in line when she knew what she wanted. Of course, I didn't, because that might either get me beat up or arrested for assault and battery. And I wanted to see the movie. But it still made me really mad.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

White trash and the principal

My family is white trash. There, I've said it.

So, apparently, one of my cousins' children (lets call this cousin WT1 for the sake of anonymity) decided to write some story at school about how his teacher was a bitch and how he was going to come in and shoot her and the principal and these other five kids who have been bullying him. This kid is nine. NINE. Apparently the story contained a lot of F words and a lot of B words and a lot of shooting. Needless to say, the police got called and his mom got called and he got suspended for 45 days. Nevermind the fact that a nine year old is going around calling his teacher a fucking bitch. I can't even understand. BUT then, my cousin's sister (we'll call her WT2) decides to call up the principal and cuss her out, also calling her a fucking bitch and telling her she is going to kill her. I mean WTF? My cousin is like 39 years old and not even the kids mom. And how are you going to call anyone up when your child or nephew has been running around telling people he's going to bring a gun to school and shoot everyone and then cuss that person out for suspending him for the safety of the school?

I can't even understand. Did I say that already? Anyone with good sense would be horrified. I would be horrified if my nine year old said the F word to a teacher. HORRIFIED. Then to make it worse, my poor uncle (who is less WT than they are) feels compelled to go up to the school on his birthday to apologize to the principal for having WT kids and grand kids. What a mess.

Sometimes people's stupidity is unreal. Your kid did not hang the moon. And when you're near forty, you are too old to call and cuss someone out and tell them you are going to kick their ass. Seriously. You are.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Kirstie Alley

She says she wants to weigh 150 pounds so she can wear a size four. I hate to break it to her fat ass, but I weigh 150 pounds, and there is no way in hell my fat ass could squeeze my THIGH into the waist band of a size four. I fear she's in for a rude awakening. The weird shit celebrities say about weight pisses me off. It's like they're weight retarded. See my former post on Kim Kardashian being a size 2.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

gas station

So, last night, I pull into the gas station in an attempt to get gas. Nice and simple. I get out of my car, I put in my credit card, I lift the apparatus that pumps the gas, unscrew the cap, and I begin to pump. Again, nice and simple.

Until some lady comes running out of the gas station screaming at me about how I'm pumping gas on some other customer's pump. WTF? Did I run over a really small car or motorcycle that I didn't see? Turns out, some idiot parked his car in the spaces in front of the gas station, went in and paid, and then was going to drive to the pump. Who in the hell does that? Even if you pay in cash, you always pull in front of the pump and then walk in, right? Well, if you don't, you should, because that's what happens--somebody gets on your pump.

Apparently, I pumped $1.11 of someone else's gas, and the gas station lady is telling me I have to give this man $1.11 in cash. I tell that lady she can suck it (in a nice way, because I am, after all, classy), and that this is not my problem, I don't have any cash, and they are going to have to reimburse the customer. I had no way of knowing he had paid to pump gas on that pump. She looked at me like I was an idiot and the devil, both at the same time. I'm familiar with the look, because I give it to my husband a lot.

Just goes to show that stupid people can mess up the most mundane of things.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Hotel TV

Why does the hotel TV always go back to the promotional "pay" movie channels. It really annoys me when I accidentally hit the off button, and turn the TV back on, that it is not on the same channel. If I wanted to watch the pay TV channel, I would turn the channel there.

Thursday, March 18, 2010


Shhhshing someone is just rude. But shhhshing someone in their own office when you are yelling at them, and they ask you to stop yelling is justification for a punch in the face.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Smoke Alarm

Why is it that the battery on the smoke alarm always goes out at 4 AM. Then I am awoken by a constant loud beeping and have to attempt to climb up on a stool in the middle of a half awake state and remove a battery. Which believe me, sounds much easier than it is.

Maybe I should start installing them late at night and then when they've run their course, they'll start alerting me in the middle of the day.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

This does not make me mad

Okay, so this doesn't make me mad, but somebody obviously got this person or group of people fired up. If I could only find these third graders, they could probably do a guest spot on my blog!

Friday, March 5, 2010


Why is it that in the Proactiv commercials, the celebrities are rubbing Proactiv on their face while they have make up on? Katy Perry has on lipstick for goodness sake. Doesn't rubbing this all over your face with make up on defeat its purpose? Totally ridiculous! Do they really expect me to believe that crap? Your skin looks better in the after shots, because you have make up on, you a hole.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Makin' Out

If you are over the age of 30, under no circumstances should you be making out in a public place. Honestly, I don't think there's ever a time when I want to see two people with their tongues down each others throats, but I especially don't want to see it from people who are about to collect social security. Keep it clean, people. Keep it clean. If I had a fetish for porn with old people, I'd look some up on the internet.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Don't wear open toed shoes if you have nasty toenails. Spend the money, get a pedicure. Yes, men, you too can get a pedicure. If you don't want to, that's fine. But please don't make me look at your nasty yellow scarred toenails with crusty skin surrounding the nail beds peeking out from your shoes. It makes me want to puke on myself.

Sunday, February 21, 2010


Seriously? I went to the movies last night, and the concession prices have gone up again. Why even charge me to go to the movie? You must be making a fortune on your popcorn alone. I used to make it at my job, before they took our customer friendly popcorn machine away, and it cost maybe like $2 to fill that machine up. You could get about ten bags out of what those bags would pop. And you know how much the movie theater is charging for a large popcorn? Seven dollars and fifty cents. Let me say it again...SEVEN DOLLARS AND FIFTY EFFING CENTS. It's highway robbery.

Let's say they can only get five bags out of that popcorn. Even at that rate, they're making, what? Like $37.50? That's like a 1000% return on investment (I'm making a point please no one tell me what the ROI is on the popcorn). How do these people sleep at night? They could pay for the building, the movie, the concession worker's minimum wage...all on the popcorn alone.

Well, I'm taking a stand. No large popcorn for me. I'm only buying the small popcorn from now on.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Screaming children don't really belong anywhere, other than at home, in my opinion. But definitely, absolutely, 100%, they do not belong in a public library. I am four stories up, in a room with closed doors, and I can still hear some child screaming at the top of their lungs downstairs in the library. She has been screaming for five minutes. You would think the parents would have left at this point. Guess what? They haven't.

Who cares if the child isn't bothering you, because this is the same way they act at home? One of the reasons I don't have kids is because I don't want to listen to them scream. Your hanging out here with your screaming child kind of defeats that purpose.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

story tellers

I hate listening to people tell the same (insert expletive here) stories over and over. If you are going to think of yourself as a story teller, you need to have more than five (another expletive) stories to tell. And if you are going to round out your story telling career at the same five stories you retell over and over, they should not all be about how great you think you are. That is even more annoying. I know, hard to believe. Why wouldn't someone want to hear all about you and your success every (expletive) time you opened your mouth? You make me mad.

Monday, February 8, 2010


If you are above a size 14, you should not wear leggings. You should definitely not wear leggings if you are wearing a shirt that does not cover your ass. Because I don't want to get stuck behind you walking somewhere while your big ass jiggles in my face. Period.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

money budgeting

If you are unwilling to keep a check register, and you insist on going to the casino four times a week and making withdrawals at the ATM, don't come and blame me when you have $500 in overdraft fees. Because I'm not even listening to it. Asshole.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Large chested ladies, I ask you...why do fashion designers make button up shirts where there is a button right above the widest part of your breasts, and a button right below the largest part of your breasts, but no button right at the largest part. So, now, every button down shirt has a gap that looks like you're trying to invite someone to look at your goods. How is it nobody has figured out how to place buttons so all ladies can wear button down shirts and have them look flattering? THAT for sure makes me mad!

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Plus size?

First, don't anyone get me wrong and think I am saying there is anything wrong with plus sized ladies. Because I'm not. If you are happy with how you look, whether you wear 100 pounds or 300 pounds, good for you.

But I am very weight conscious, weighing 150 pounds at 5'8" in height. I wear a size ten. On a very lucky day, in something with a more generous cut, I might wear an eight. Those are good days. I am not a thin person, but I am also not a fat person. I fall into that valley where loads of normal women who like to eat more than salads fall. No problem.

I don't think of myself as "large." I don't think a ten is "large." 0-2, is XS, 4-6 is S, 8-10 is M, and 12-14 is L. I know I am not a large, because if a garment is sized in letters, and I pick out the L, it is too big. Not just some of the time, like the size eight, size ten scenario, but 98% of the time. So, in my head, I'm a medium.

Apparently, this is not the case on e-bay. Everyone seems to put in the tens as larges. And at the thrift store? I often find tens in the plus size section. A ten is definitely not a plus size. I am sure to all of the twos and fours in the world, it is. But in the world of women with boobs, it is not.

I really want to send every single e-bay seller a message and let them know that a ten is not a large, but unfortunately, I don't have the time for that. I'm too busy eating cupcakes.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Weather Man

How in the hell can you turn snow and ice into an all day running program? I know there is a weather channel and all, and it is dedicated to weather 24 hours a day, but that is about weather all over the United States. Here in Oklahoma, we are watching a 24 hour fucking newscast about ice and snow. They keep showing the same Oklahoma map with the same color indicators over and over and over. Then they show some idiot standing on the side of the road while cars go by. Who in the hell signed up for that job? Really, do you want to stand by the side of the icy road and watch a bunch of cars sliding all over the road that could easily pop up on that curb and plow you down? What is your official title over at the news office? Dumbass? And then they flash to a bunch of pictures people have taken of their swing sets covered in ice and sent them in to the news. Don't you have something better to do, or are you that much of a loser that on a free day from work, all you can think of to do is snap pictures of an ice covered tree and send it to your buddies at KFOR?

All the while I'm missing quality TV programming like Oprah and Dr. Phil. Seriously, the weather programming we are forced to watch on local TV is worse than the actual storm.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


You know what? If you want someone to make a big deal out of your birthday, don't pretend to be one of those people who doesn't care. Because when someone (say me) says, "hey, isn't your birthday next week?" And you sigh and say, "Yeah." And I say, "What are you going to do?" And you say, "Ah, nothing. It's not really that big of a deal." Then I'm going to assume you aren't a big celebrator. Maybe I'll buy you a cupcake or a piece of cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory, but that's going to be it. I'm assuming you're one of those folks who just doesn't like a big "to do."

So, when your birthday rolls around, don't act like a big ol' asshole because nobody has done anything, sitting around pouting and sulking because there aren't streamers around your desk, and all of your friends aren't taking you out to dinner while donning party hats. They're probably all assuming the same thing. That you are depressed to be turning a year older and don't want to celebrate because of your ho-hum attitude any time your birthday is mentioned. Your ploy of acting like you want nothing and expecting a big hoopla is stupid. If I could think of a more eloquent word I would use it. But I cannot.

But you know what? Your dumb ass will probably do the same thing again next year. Let me know how it works out for you.

*side note* Apparently, this pisses me off every year, because I just glanced back at my 2008 posts, and I already wrote one of these there. Take note people!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


I am sad to say Target has created a "basement bin" section. You know the section that always changes that is usually over by automotive and sporting goods? (This is true regardless of where your Target is. They almost always have this area located there). In spring it has all of the pool accessories and outdoor patio furniture. In fall it has school supplies. In Halloween, there are tombstones and costumes, and of course for Christmas, (which goes up immediately after Halloween, maybe before), there are the Christmas trees.

Well, now, they have a bargain section located there. It is a bunch of boxes with cheap looking crap that you have to dig through. It makes me feel like I'm at Dollar General. I shop at Target, because I like getting the bargain basement prices without feeling like I'm white trashing it up with the people of Wal-Mart. So, when I go to Target, I want to feel like I'm at Target, in a place where people wear shoes and have all of their teeth. I do not want to see huge boxes filled with cheap crap in primary colors where someone is bent over digging to the bottom with their butt crack peeking out of the back of their elastic waisted pants. It just gives me an ugly feeling on the inside. It's like all of the beauty has been sucked out of the shopping world.

Hopefully, this arrangement is just temporary--just an "hey, you blew all of your money on Christmas, so we need to make you feel like you're shopping at Family Dollar so you'll buy something"--and in Spring the plastic pools and patio furniture will return, just as they always do.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Pat Robertson

Sometimes, I am embarrassed to be a Christian. I know some Christians out in the world would be horrified that I would say that, but how can I, as a Christian listen to what Pat Robertson has to say and not be outraged? How can anyone? I know they are out there. People who think what he says is right. But how can my God and his God be one and the same? It is hard for me to imagine. I found something on the internet that sums up the ridiculousness of what he has to say. Kudos to Lily Coyle, who wrote this funny letter. It was the letter of the day on Please, please, please, don't lump all Christians in with Pat Robertson. I am sure I speak for quite a few of us who would say, he makes us mad! And he's an idiot!

"Dear Pat Robertson, I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll. You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract. Best, Satan


Wednesday, January 13, 2010


Hey buddy. Yes, you. I'm talking to you. The one over there standing around looking like you are the only jackass waiting who should be allowed to bring your luggage on the plane. You know how I know that? How I can see your sense of entitlement? Because your bag is about three times the size of a carry on bag. It's more like a regular suitcase. It's making me wonder what your regular suitcase must look like if you think that bag that you have there is a carry on. Did you put it in that little square metal space? You know, the one that has the sign that says all carry on luggage must fit in here? Because I know there is no way in hell that bag you have fit in that space.

Oh, now look. Are you having problems getting that big ass bag into the overhead bin? Well, sure, I don't mind taking my bag down and sticking it under my seat just to accommodate your being a retard. I think it's absolutely fair that I paid just as much for my ticket as you did, but I have to rearrange my stuff because you think you're the King of World or at least of American Airlines. These next 2.5 hours will be nice and comfortable while I sit with my knees under my chin because I have no foot room since I had to cram my own regulatory size bag so you could have every single thing you own on the plane with you.

No, your smile and apology do not make it better. Neither does the obliviousness of the flight attendants who are pretending not to notice that you have taken advantage of the flight requirements and they are now having to check luggage that will not fit in the overhead bins, because you, and other assholes like you have brought a bunch of shit on the plane that shouldn't be allowed in the first place. But they have to smile and be courteous. And so it goes.

I hate you. No, really, I know it's a strong word. But it's true. I hate you and all of the people like you--the ones who think the rules don't apply to them. You suck.