Mondays

Mondays make me mad. So do Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. Friday is slightly better.

Lady Gaga

Why in the hell does she always look so ridiculous?

Just looking at her at awards shows pisses me off, because she looks like a total idiot with stupid feather things around her face. Why would someone intentionally make themselves look ugly?

Does it mean I'm old because I always think she looks ridiculous?

Sleeveless dresses

I have been shopping all summer. And it has been for the same thing, a dress that is not sleeveless. Do you know how hard it is to find a dress that has sleeves these days?

Now, I appreciate that it is 100 degrees most days where I live. But I work. In a professional environment. And dresses without sleeves are not allowed. I prefer a dress, because, well, it's just easier. You only have to pull one piece out of your closet. You don't have to match anything, except for your shoes. It makes the morning go so much faster. One less decision I have to make before a day that will have a thousand other decisions.

I know, I know, I can put a cardigan over my sleeveless dress. But did I mention that it's 100 degrees most days where I live? The thought of putting on a sweater makes me cringe. I might as well put on tights and boots, too.

J. Crew, Ann Taylor, The Limited--sure you have one or two dresses with sleeves, but most of your items are sleeveless! I think somebody needs to help you learn some more about your demographic. Surely I am not the only woman this kind of nonsense makes mad. Surely.

Criss Angel

Criss Angel is a douche bag.

Shark Week

My husband pointed this out to me last week, so I paid especially close attention to the variety of shark information offered on Discovery Channel's shark week line up. There were still a few informative shows, educating the masses about sharks--how the feed, how they breed, etc. But mostly, the programs were littered with stories of shark attacks. Now, I am not sure how shark week turned into such a gruesome program, but I am not a fan. I am fascinated with sharks, and I have even been diving with them. When I think of Discovery's purpose as a network, I think of it as a place to be educated about, well, all kinds of things. I do not think of it as a place where people go to be instilled with fear regarding any species. Their purpose is to educate, not traumatize. After watching some of those shows, I would have to contemplate wading on the beach shore line, never mind heading out for a SCUBA excursion.

I think of the young folks who might have grown up to have important careers in ocean studies, maybe even dreamed of being a pro surfer but are now horrified to think that every time they stick a foot in the ocean, it is liable to be removed by a shark's bite. Damned Discovery Channel. They've made me mad.

IRAs

Why is it when you read financial information, they always tell you if you put X amount in an IRA starting at age 25 and let it grow until you retire, you'll have X amount, provided it is at least a 10% return? Can someone sign me up for this please? Because I've had an IRA for quite some time, even before this ugly economic downturn, and never once has it been at a 10% return. I'm lucky to get 5%, and that's when I put it into a CD IRA. So, where in the hell are these people finding these IRAs? I want to know! Otherwise, I'd like to read some financial information that quotes a more accurate rate. Stop getting my hopes up.

Suze Orman

I like Suze. I think she's a smart cookie. I like watching her on Oprah and watching her deny people who ask to buy stupid stuff and I like reading her column. But sometimes, the people she talks to are just idiots.

This couple on the last show makes about $3500 a month and according to Suze when she breaks down what they are spending, they are actually paying out about $6200 a month and are trying to figure out how to cut back. Then Suze, like she always does, goes through their expenses to make a determination, and one of the things she suggests to the couple is that the woman stop getting manicures and pedicures, on which she spends about $100 a month. If I were Suze, I would have to say, "Are you shitting me? You are paying out almost twice your salary in bills, and your dumb ass is still paying to have your nails done? Buy a damned nail file and some cuticle cream and get over yourself."

Of course, Suze does not say that, which is probably why she gets to be on Oprah and I do not.

Raises

So, I'm watching the Today show yesterday morning, and apparently, everyone is up in arms about salary increases for bank employees. Now, in case you haven't figured it out, I am a bank employee. I am a menial laborer--I am not a big wig hording up big money bonuses and increases. I did not take bail out money from the government. I am not gouging customers on fees.

Why shouldn't I get a raise? If you work at McDonald's or Starbucks or JC Penney's, you're probably expecting a raise. If you work for the great state of Oklahoma or the police department or you're a fireman, probably, you're wanting a little something extra when it comes time for your annual review. And so do I. So, don't come in my office and tell me how you think it's ridiculous for any bank employees to get raises this year, because you saw it on the Today show, too, and you think it is ridiculous. I am really not interested in your opinion. And it makes me want to slap you.

Branson, Missouri

I understand that it is probably great for the people in your hotel room that you take your screaming baby outside at one o'clock in the morning so it doesn't disturb the people staying in your room. But it is not desirable to the people in the rooms that line the hallways of your hotel room. There is a reason I don't have kids. It is so I won't be woken up by them at 1 o'clock in the morning. It is also so I don't have to listen to them play "how loud can I shut this door?" five thousand times at 6 AM. Fun game, isn't it?

It's not going to be so much fun when I rip your little head off. At least not for you.

Birthday Cake

Why can't it be appropriate to have birthday cake every day of the year? I'm thinking it should be like a staple--you know, like milk and eggs and cheese. Right there at the bottom of the staples list should be birthday cake. Every single week. Birthday cake. Then, I'd be living the dream.

Lack of birthday cake makes for a rough day. I'm not mad yet, but I'll be mad when mine is gone, and even more mad that I shared it with my husband.

neighbors

Hey asshole, thanks so much for getting up at 7 fucking AM to work on your roof this Saturday morning. There's nothing like waking up on the one day you get to sleep in by the sound of you and your worker buddies jamming to the latino station and pounding your hammer as loud as you possibly can.

Coupons

WTF? I just got my new Woman's Day magazine, and someone has gone through and clipped out all of the coupons. Apparently, someone at USPS has way too much time on their hands. This might explain why my mail often doesn't show up until 5:oo P.M. every day and some days not until 7:00. My postal worker is sitting in his little postal car perusing the magazines and clipping out the coupons instead of working his route. I might have to turn him in to the postal service police for coupon stealing and job neglect.

Facebook

I think Facebook is a menace. Sure, it's great to find old friends. But what about when old friends find you? And by old friends I mean either, people you don't even know who in the hell they are, but you went to elementary school or junior high or met at the dentist in 1972 and they've hunted you down OR people who you actually know, but would be perfectly happy living your whole life never talking to, much less having to look at up close on a damned profile picture every day.

But yet, I somehow feel guilty hitting the "ignore" button. So, I accept them, and then I have to listen to their random crap every single day. Which brings up two more subjects.

One, who has the free time to post on that thing 500 times a day. Get a job. A real one. Where you actually do work. No, posting on facebook every ten minutes is not work. And two, do you really think people care to hear what you are doing every second of every day? Can you possibly be that self important? Apparently, about ten of you on my facebook list can.

Jon and Kate

I am sick of seeing them on the cover of my US weekly. One of the two of their faces has graced my last 3 covers. Where is my news on Lindsay Lohan or Angeline Jolie or Jennifer Aniston? I don't really give a shit about Jon and Kate. Is it really a surprise to find out that people who have 8 freaking kids aren't happy? I mean, seriously. Jon's probably trying to escape reality every chance he gets. I'm sure the recent photos that have cropped up are just the tip of the iceberg.

Nevermind the fact that everyone calls Kate a bitch in the articles. If I had birthed 8 kids and then had to raise them, I'd be pretty pissed off, too. Jon's lucky she doesn't kick him in the man business every single day when she wakes up.

people who call in sick

If you've ever worked or managed in a retail sales environment, you can appreciate that. Because someone (usually me) is picking up that person's opening shift, which means I'm working open to close. I am shooting ugly thoughts their way--since they woke me up at 6:45 AM to tell me they weren't coming in and I had to haul myself out of bed and come up here.

Evil. Pure evil.

ID

One thing I will never understand is people who balk at showing ID for writing checks, using credit cards, getting in their safe deposit box...I mean, they act like I just walked up to them on the street and said, "hey dude, can I see your driver's license?" When they actually came to me to transact some sort of business and then act like I'm inconveniencing them when I ask to verify who they are before I run their credit card for $500. If I didn't check the fucking ID and the transaction wasn't legitimate, then they'd be raising hell about that. I get pissed when people DON'T want to see my ID when I'm paying for something in some way other than cash money. And who thinks they should get in a safe box with just their key and charm? Do you want your kids to find your damned safe box key and come in and wipe out all of your jewelry, because people do know how to forge a signature you know. They could get your key, forge your signature, and if I'm not looking at your ID, I've just let them in your box.

What in the hell is wrong with people?

Jessica Simpson

Good Lord, she's a normal sized person! She likes to drink margaritas and eat chicken wings! The world is ending! Her DD breasts now look proportioned to the rest of her body! Stop the press!

Give it a fucking rest people...who cares?

plastic bra straps

My husband and I went to see the musical "Tommy" at The Plaza theater. You know, the one with The Who soundtrack, and it was fabulous! The only ugly thing there was this girl who had on a fab dress, which had spaghetti straps, and underneath--one of those tacky bras with plastic straps. I do not understand this. Who do they think they're fooling? Do they really think other people can't see the straps? Are they too poor to invest in a strapless bra? And don't tell me some people can't wear strapless bras. Because one, I'm a D, and this girl was much smaller chested than me, and if I can find a good strapless bra that works, so can she. And two, if you are one of those DDD or E women (not artificially enhanced), then you probably don't need to be wearing something that needs a strapless bra. I'm not saying in every case, but in most, items that don't support your bust aren't all that flattering. Whoever invented those stupid bras should be tied to the stake with the guy who invented panty hose, and they should both be lit ablaze.

doctor's office

I started going to a new doctor. They sent me a ton of paperwork in the mail to fill out before I arrived. No problem. In the packet there was also a scathing letter about people who show up late for their appointment. It wasn't like a little mention that you sometimes see, but a whole entire letter about it. So, I'm thinking these people must be extremely time conscious. Again, no problem. I am always five minutes early for everything.

However, I arrive on time, with all of my paperwork filled out, and I sit. And then I sit, and I sit, and I sit. After about 20 minutes, I come up and ask what the hold up is. They tell me the doctor is with a patient and still has one patient left to see before me. I tell them that if they expect me to be on time, then they should also be on time. They looked at me as if I were the devil. After 30 minutes, I told them if they didn't get me in, I was leaving. They asked if I would like to reschedule. I said, "why, so I can come and sit here for another 30 minutes?"

This shit annoys me. Why don't you just put up a sign that says, "We don't really care about your time. We only care about our time. So, please come in. Expect to wait thirty minutes, and then you can pay us for essentially being inconsiderate of you." It's unfortunate doctors don't treat you more like a customer than like a patient. Makes me mad.

piece of fucking shit computer

I type and then, when I go to post my blog, the piece of shit says it can't find the site. Of course, it does this all the time, so you think I'd get some common sense and save the shit I type, but I don't.

I don't know if you've ever seen anyone physically assault a computer, but one day, I tell you...one day...

anorexia

My doctor told me I am overweight. I am 5'8, and I weigh 145 pounds. I could see where I could stand to lose about 5 pounds, but he told me he wants me to weigh 125!!! ONE TWENTY FIVE. I mean, come on--do you know how sickly I would look if I weighed 125? I am a chesty girl, and just bigger all around, so I cannot imagine weighing 20 pounds less. My face would look like it had plastic surgery. Forget the fact that I haven't weighed 125 since I was in 6th grade. I weighed 144 all through high school.

Crazy doctors. That's what pushes people over the edge. Makes me mad.

One hundred and eighty seven dollars

I can only be mad at myself.

My husband and I use our Disney Visa card for everything. We put every single thing on it that we can, and we pay it off at the end of the month. We get 1% back in Disney money to use when we go to Disney World. We were just there in March and "cashed in" all of our dollars for that trip. Between then and now, just a short nine months, we have accumulated $187 to spend. That means, yes, folks, we have spent $18,700 in the last nine months. The shocker is that we can't charge our car payments or our mortgage. So, we've spent this kind of money on what? I do not know.

It's kind of disgusting when you think about it.